Suicide and Malice
by Jonf
Summary: What happens when you mess with the tea boy?
1. Cliffhanger

**Warning: This story will contain graphic scènes of a sexual and/or violent nature.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Torchwood. If I did, Random Shoes wouldn't exist. **

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His hart was racing and his head was beating, hurting. With every heartbeat came more pain, more chaos. Every fiber of his being in aching, every thought remembering him of what he so desperately wanted to forget

How could he ever face them again? How would he get out of this mess?  
WHY? Why had he done it in the first place? Why hadn't he stopped?  
What would happen to him if the rest found out what he had done and came after him?

He looked around the desk and his eyes stopped at a frame; it held the half of what was once a photo of the best memory he'd ever had. He picked up the frame and started smashing his reflection.  
Seven years of bad luck, try a lifetime.

He knew he had fucked things up, again. Only; there wasn't an easy way out of this.  
No apology, dinner or magic potion could make the damage he made undone.  
He decided there was only one way left.  
Only one way out.

As he stood on the roof and looked into the abyss before him, his hart slowed down. All the thoughts and emotions that were running through his head, made way for a feeling more powerful than any other: fear.

Every sense in his body was trying to tell him to get away from the edge; he felt the wind pushing him back, he saw the pavement looking filthier than ever, but he decided that the wind would have to make way, and that dirty pavements were the least of his worries.

So he stepped closer, he could feel where the building ended. He looked down and his eyes lingered on the piece of pavement that was directly beneath him.

The place where his worries would be put to rest.


	2. Come What May

**Okay, a lot happier than last week, but I hope you can still enjoy it. I promise that there are some very dark chapters comming once the story gets started.**

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As he woke up, the pleasant scent of coffee teased his nose. He opened his eyes and before him sat a mug full of the devine, black liquid. But even more important was the man holding the mug; he smiled and said: 

"Here you go, coffee!"

"Thanks, Jack." He said as he took the mug, and he took a little sip. He immediately regretted it and had no idea how anyone could make something that was even remotely that disgusting. But he knew that Jack had no idea how a coffee machine worked and appreciated the effort, so he gave him a smile and said:

"Best cup of coffee I've ever had.", and gave Jack a kiss on the cheek.

"You do know that every time you tell a lie, you have to do a good deed to make up for it, Ianto?"

"And what kind of good deed did you have in mind?"

Jack climbed on top of Ianto and said:

"Haven't really thought about that, but I'm sure if we think about it _long_ and _deep_ and _hard_, we'll come up with something.", as he started to kiss Ianto's neck.

"Jack, watch it! I'm not in the mood of getting burned by boiling hot coffee." Ianto said as he spilled half of the black liquid.

"Well, I wouldn't mind." And Jack moved towards Ianto's chest. "I remember this one time I", he started, but he was interrupted by Ianto:

"As much as I would love to scorch a man's flesh, I have to get up and clean up the mess we've left in the conference room."

Jack stopped kissing and looked at Ianto like a child that couldn't play with his favourite toy.

"You're no fun, always being all 'responsible' and stuff."

Ianto looked back at Jack, brushed his hands through his hair and said:

"Well, look at it this way; while I'm busy cleaning up our mess, you can think of other ways to make it. And I promise you you'll get you scorching one day."

Ianto pushed Jack of him, gave him a quick kiss and got out of bed. He walked towards the closet and got a suit and some underwear.

As he got dressed he thought how lucky he was. Jack had been kind and understanding when he needed a shoulder to cry on. When he felt down and needed someone to cheer him up, Jack always seemed to know what to say. And when they were together, the one didn't have to say a word to know what the other meant.

He turned back to Jack, pulled him into a kiss and said:

"Captain Jack Harkness, I love you more than life itself."

"Yan, I think you forgot to break into spontaneous singing and dancing … But nonetheless, that's the cutest love declaration I've ever gotten, from the cutest Welshman I've ever met!"

"Firstly; thank you. Secondly; and you accuse _me_ of doing a Disney sing-along?"

"Come on! Work with me here, maybe we could do a little musical routine?"

"I am NOT going to dance to 'Come What May' with you!"

"Bet you'd look great in a corset.", Jack replied with a grin on his face.

"Whatever. But before you fly of into the sky with the love of your life in your magical car while all your friends are dancing, singing and waving, be sure you find someone to fill the passenger seat."

"Come on Ianto, just relax for a once. They already know that we're a couple, it's not like we have to hide anything."

Ianto looked at Jack and said:

"Do you even remember what we did in the conference room?"

A look of understanding spread across Jack's face.

"Oh …"

"Exactly."

"Well then, I'll just let you work your magic. And while you're busy, could you take a look at the coffee machine? I think a might have pushed a wrong button or something."

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Hope you enjoyed it, please leave a review if you like it. 


	3. Kiss You Off

"Mornin' Ianto." Gwen said as she entered the hub.

"Good morning, Gwen." Ianto replied as he was fixing the coffee machine. And he continued; "The coffee will have to wait a bit, someone messed the machine up, again."

"Jack, you know you have to keep you hands of that thing." she sighed.

"That's not what you said last week …" Jack said with a teasing smile.

Gwen rolled her eyes and Ianto had to laugh. Ianto laughed; even with all his dependency issues, he could enjoy the flirting. The reassurance that behind al the jokes, there was a trustworthy and loving man. But also a lonely man. Because Jack was lonely, he'd left home and joined an agency that was now shut down. He became a conman, and gained immortality in the process.

But Jack knew more than anyone that it was a curse. Seeing all the people you love die, remaining alone and being scared of commitment, because every relationship just leads to being alone and covering that up with a bunch of innuendo.

But Jack was still a human being, and humans don't get to choose if loving someone suits them. He loved Ianto, but at the same time was afraid of having a meaningful relationship with him. Ianto had told him about some of his issues, and he didn't want to make things worse. Ianto was such a sweet person who was so afraid of hurting anyone that he always ended up hurting himself. Jack was worried that if something went wrong, he wouldn't just love a lover and a friend, but also a crucial member of the team.

Jack walked over to Gwen and said: "Gwen, you come with me. We have to examine those new alien artifacts."

"I'll repair the coffee machine and bring you a cup." Ianto replied.

Gwen and Jack left for the archives and Ianto went back to his coffee cave.

"Making coffee for the boyfriend?" Gwen asked.

Jack's face turned bright red.

"Uhm, yeah."

Gwen laughed and said:

"Nothing to be ashamed about, it's sweet. I wish Rhys would do something like that. And it's nice to know that beneath all the jokes and the flirting, there's a human being with feelings and everything."

"Don't worry, just because I've got a boyfriend doesn't mean that there'll be less inappropriate sexual tension between us. Now, what do we have here?"

"Unidentified alien objects, found in an apartment, the people who lived there were found dead in their bed they were holding them in their hands. They died of dehydration." She read from the chart.

"They died because they were so busy having sex that they forgot to drink?" Jack asked with an amused look on his face.

"I know, even weirder because they were in their eighties and the man was impotent."

"Okay, so we have a retired couple dieing of sex with alien devices in their hands. Let's look what these things can do." He said as he picked up one of the egg shaped devices.

"No buttons, how do we activate this thing?" Jack asked as he more closely examined it. Gwen also picked one up and she noticed that the devices started emitting some kind of light. Her heartbeat quickened and she suddenly felt a desire to kiss Jack. Their lips met. What was this? Were it the devices? She didn't know what was happening. She couldn't stop kissing him. She wanted him, she could feel he wanted her to. She unbuttoned Jack shirt, and Jack unbuttoned her blouse. All they could think about was each other, they felt like their minds and bodies were one, and they had no control over it. A rush of adrenaline and hormones. It felt so good.

The sound of mugs smashing into the concrete floor and the smell of coffee filled the room. Jack suddenly stopped and realized what he had done. But by then, it was already too late.

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**I don't really like this chapter, but the next one will be a lot better (I hope).**

**Please review!**


	4. I'm Not Okay I Promise

Ianto picked up the coffees and walked to the archives. Once he got there, he opened the door to the research room. He immediately regretted he had done so.

How could this happen? He dropped the mugs and ran away. What had he done wrong? He felt angry, not at Jack at himself. He must have done something wrong. Why would Jack have done such a thing?

He got in his car and went to his apartment. While he was driving he could barely focus on the road and nearly crashed the car into a tree.

Once he got home, he let it all go. The feelings he'd been hiding for all those years. The hate he had felt so many years ago. He remembered how much he hated himself. For accepting the job of a tea boy despite all his qualifications. For trusting someone and getting betrayed, and even more for letting it happen a second time.

Tears ran across his face. He took the photograph before him and ripped it in half. He wasn't worthy of having memories. He wasn't even worthy of life.

The cool breeze swept across his face. Why had it come to this, yet again? He looked around. Hundreds of lit buildings, full of people. Full of lies.

"Humans" they call themselves. Nothing more than a bunch of naked apes without a conscience. They cheat on themselves, they try so desperately to hold on to their ideals, but betray them without a second thought the minute someone comes along and promises them enough money to pretend that they're happy.

They are raised to work and to buy. To take and take some more. They think that the next thing they'll buy will finally make them happy, but forget that they sacrificed their happiness to get the money for their next purchase.

They pretend that their grief is caused by change and fool themselves into thinking it all used to be better.

They cheat on each other by pretending that they care about anyone but themselves.

They pretend to think, but only copy what the person before them says.

They shed all their dreams and creativity, become nothing more than a machine, and call that "growing up." What is wrong with their childhood dreams?

What is wrong with thinking?

He didn't want to be part of this bunch of degenerate mammals.

He walked towards the edge.

He wondered what the reactions would be. They'd probably try to free themselves of their guilt.

"Well, he could have talked to us about his problems. We can't read minds or anything." And with that thought, their gilt disappeared.

He wished he could do that. But his guilt stayed. It festered and consumed him. He always felt guilty. He wanted it to stop.

He looked over the edge, into the abyss that lay before him.

A fine night for a suicide.

"Ianto, what do you think you're doing?!"

The voice of the greatest traitor of them all made him turn.

"If it isn't our dear Harkness. And what explanation do you have? Wait, let me guess. She jumped on top of you and you were trying to get her off you, when suddenly you shirt and trousers popped open?"

"Ianto, calm down. This isn't going to help. Just move away from the ledge."

"Oh, yeah. I forgot. You're the person that decides if someone gets to live. You walk through this city like you own it; you make random decisions about people's lives, and all of that while you're immortal. You act like that gives you the authority to do so. Who made you God's personal assistant?! Go bugger off and feel sorry for yourself because you can't die!"

"Ianto, I mean it. Calm down or I'll jump with you!"

"Now I'm impressed. Mr. Immortal's going to throw himself of a building."

"What's gotten into you?! Get away from that ledge!"

"What's gotten into me? Let's see. I've spent half my life working for an organization that thinks that they own the world and everything beyond it. As the tea boy! Cleaning up after a bunch of morons too stupid to realize what they're feeling! I finally find some one that I trust; I tell him my deepest secrets. I tell him about what happened all those years ago, what I shut out. Just so he could know how important he is to me. And what does the bastard do? He has a quick shag with an engaged women he secretly loves!"

"I'm sorry Ianto, but that's not what happened. The devices –"

"Yeah, do what you always do. Find some explanation. Pretend like the entire world is organized around making sure your life is miserable. Pretend that everything just happens by accident."

"Ianto! It wasn't me, the devices; they're some kind of alien sex toy. The two people who hold it are immediately attracted to one another."

"Oh! Now I get it! It were the machines! Poor, poor Harkness." Ianto said with the sound of disgust in his voice. "But answer this; do you honestly feel nothing for her?"

"Ianto, all I care about is you."

"All you care about is yourself! You're vain enough to think that you could ever be capable of actually loving someone. All you can do is hang around until your next conquest comes along."

He'd had enough of this. He turned back to the road and stepped forward.

"Harkness, let go of me!" Jack was holding him back and gave him a hug.

"Poor boy, I know you're upset, but there's no reason to do this."

"YOU BETRAYED ME, HARKNESS! I'VE GOT EVERY REASON TO DO THIS!" he kicked and screamed, but Jack only held him tighter.

"I know, I know. It's all my fault. I'm sorry. I'll make it all up to you." Jack was telling the truth, but Ianto was too upset to listen to him.

"LET ME GO! I'LL JUST DRAG YOU WITH ME!" Ianto kept screaming and kicking. He tried to get back to the edge, but Jack was too strong.

Jack had never felt so guilty. He had let Ianto down; he knew that Ianto had a lot of trust issues. He should've waited until Toshiko had arrived so she could've scanned the devices. But it was all too late for that.

"Ianto, how can I ever make up for what I've done?"

"YOU CAN'T! Just let me jump! Just let me end this bloody misery!" Ianto was crying.

"If that's what it takes." Jack said.

Ianto opened his eyes. Underneath him lay the lifeless body of Jack Harkness.

"YOU BASTARD!" Ianto cried and smashed his fist into the corpse's face.


	5. Time After Time

Jack looked at the door. He saw the look on Ianto's face. Ianto ran off and Jack tried to go after him, but Gwen was still on top of him.

"Will you get off me, you bloody mad woman?!"

But Gwen kept kissing him.

"Gwen! I'm kind of trying to be nice, but if you don't cut that out and let me go, I'll have to use force."

Gwen didn't seem to care what Jack said.

"Right, I warned you."

He punched Gwen in the face and took off. Ianto had already left the building; he ran to the SUV and drove to Ianto's apartment.

He saw someone on the roof, looking around and talking to himself. As he climbed the stairs he felt so bad, so guilty, so angry. Why didn't he wait?  
Then, he reached the roof.  
He saw Ianto standing there; he could see that there were thousands of thoughts going through that head.  
He knew how it felt.

He also knew that Ianto wouldn't listen; he knew how everyone seemed so wrong when thoughts like that went through your head.

But he didn't know what else to do.

He tried to reason, but all reason had left the other man's head.  
He saw the look on Ianto's face and he knew what it meant.  
He held Ianto back, but felt so incredibly guilty. Not only had he caused this, but he also kept the younger man from doing what he had wanted to do himself so many times.  
He started crying along with Ianto, he hugged Ianto.

But all Ianto was thinking about was ending it all.

Ending the guilt, stopping the worries, setting himself free.

He didn't just understand what Ianto felt, he felt it himself.

Guilt, more guilt than anyone could ever handle.  
Worries; another loved one gone.  
All those deaths, all those lives wasted. All that grief.

He knew exactly what Ianto was thinking, he was thinking it himself.

He knew that Ianto would never forgive him.  
He knew he'd never forgive himself.

One feeling never changes;  
feeling your body meet the concrete,  
feeling your last breath leave your body;

again.


End file.
